Lawn Care After the Apocalypse

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Author: Rich G SHTFandGO Staff. 05/09/2017

So….You have thousands of gallons of water stored in underground tanks. You and your family have 3 years worth of dehydrated this and canned that.  You have 20,000 rounds of each caliber of ammunition stored in ziploc bags, inside mylar bags, inside waterproof containers, sitting inside your custom built faraday cage, buried in the back 40.  You think you are ready to weather the storm no matter what disaster comes knocking at your doorstep.  But….many of you are not as prepared as you might think you are.  How are you going to maintain your St. Augustine/Bluegrass hybrid lawn and keep it in shape?  You’ve put so much work into this lawn, trimming the sidewalk edges with barber scissors you would never allow the kids to use to cut paper, in fear they might dull the edges.  We have solutions that will help you keep that lawn looking amazing long after the grid goes down and gas stations have dried up.

Water:

Water Storage for your Lawn
Water Storage for your Lawn

Without water you have no lawn.  You will need to take advantage of the good God almighty and his generous H2O from the heavens.  Rain barrels, Water bags, and large tote containers will be needed to redirect the roof run off.  Even though this rain may be acid rain, any water is better than no water.  You’ll have to stock up on PH testing strips and plenty of baking soda to adjust the acidity of the water to keep you from burning your beautiful green lawn.

Fertilizer:

Chicken Poop Fertilizer
Chicken Poop Fertilizer

Chickens, Chickens, Chickens.  Nitrogen means green grass and Chickens poop has high levels of nitrogen.  You should design you’re chicken run to  allow a long 2×4 board to lightly graze the top of the soil to one side of the coop so you can scoop up the poop ever so delicately without removing too much soil.  Mix you chicken poop into your composting pile and Voila….you have some of the best fertilizer you could have purchased from Home Depot, provided it was still in business.

Mowing:

Many of you are already thinking  goats, cows, or lamas, but you’re wrong.  Not only will they eat bare spots in your cherished St. Augustine, they will make your lawn lumpy.  Besides, who says you can’t take pride in the act of mowing your own lawn after the apocalypse.  Invest in solar powered, rechargeable, reel, mowing equipment.  Now a good reel mower will always cut you grass much better than a regular spinning blade mower, since it scissors the grass blades cleanly, instead of beating the grass leaving brown tips.  A good solar system sized for the size of your lawn is important.  You can use the formula (SqFt Lawn x 120 watts) for you solar collection and the formula (total watts of solar collector x 5 hours x Amp Hours of battery storage x number of times per week you mow) to calculate the battery size needed to keep your lawn short and luscious.

If you are on a budget and don’t have the $40,000 to drop on a high quality solar powered mowing system, but you might have 7 children of push mower pushing age, I might suggest a push mower.  Just realize with all that high quality chicken poop fertilizer you have been using, you will need each child to take a turn mowing the lawn each and every day.  After 3 days of growth the push mower will not be able to cut it ever again.

End of Civilization:

Zombie Lawn Care
Zombie Lawn Care

Just because the world we know it has ended, doesn’t mean we have to stop civilized.  You may want to invite the only other people in 3 states over for a re-hydrated meal one day, and you don’t want them to see you dilapidated yard.  I hope one day to drive my deuce and half through your part of the world and see and shining green lawn off in the distance and think I made a difference.

Humor…..

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